and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
