So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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