dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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