A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
