Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
