I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
