tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
