Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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