you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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