He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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