just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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