you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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