We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
