in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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