Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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