You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
