soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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