you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
