don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
