No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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