you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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