Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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