At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
