piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
