His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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