Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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