I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize