oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
