that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
