I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
