Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
