We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
