Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
