yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
