Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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