I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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