Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
