So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
