Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
