I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
