I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
