I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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