i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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