My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
