I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
