people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
