I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
