I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Randomize
