Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
