hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
