True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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