i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
she told me i tasted like america
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
