remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
