just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
