conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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