Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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